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All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership PDF, ePub eBook

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All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership PDF, ePub eBook Picking up where All Joy and No Fun left off, All the Rage sets out to understand why, in an age of so-called equality, full-time working mothers still carry. The inequity of domestic life is one of the most profound and perplexing conundrums of our time. In an era of seemingly unprecedented feminist activism, enlightenment, and change, data show that one area of gender ine Picking up where All Joy and No Fun left off, All the Rage sets out to understand why, in an age of so-called equality, full-time working mothers still carry. The inequity of domestic life is one of the most profound and perplexing conundrums of our time. In an era of seemingly unprecedented feminist activism, enlightenment, and change, data show that one area of gender inequality stubbornly remains: the unequal amount of parental work that falls on women, no matter their class or professional status. All the Rage investigates the cause of this pervasive inequity to answer why, in households where both parents work full-time, mothers’ contributions—even those women who earn more than their partners—still outweigh fathers’ when it comes to raising children and maintaining a home. How can this be? How, in a culture that has studied and lauded the benefits of fathers’ being active, present partners in child-rearing—benefits that extend far beyond the well-being of the kids themselves—can a commitment to fairness in marriage melt away upon the arrival of children? Darcy Lockman drills deep to find answers, exploring how the feminist promise of true domestic partnership almost never, in fact, comes to pass. Starting with her own case-study as Ground Zero, she moves outward, chronicling the experiences of a diverse cross-section of women raising children with men; visiting new mothers’ groups and pioneering co-parenting specialists; and interviewing experts across academic fields, from gender studies professors and anthropologists to neuroscientists and primatologists. Lockman identifies three tenets that have upheld the cultural gender division of labor and peels back the reasons both men and women are culpable. Her findings are startling—and offer a catalyst for true change.

30 review for All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership

  1. 5 out of 5

    Kristy

    This book literally makes me want to get divorced, buy one of those body pillows and a dog, and live alone forever. I also want to punch every man i know in the face, even the good ones, even the ones I really like.

  2. 4 out of 5

    Katie

    This book will, in fact, fill you with ALL THE RAGE. Darcy Lockman’s nonfiction is the feminist text I didn’t know I needed. She breaks down the ways in which working mothers are drowning in the unshared task of parenting. It genuinely changed my perspective on planning for motherhood in the future. So many of us assume that our version of parenting will look different than that of our parents’ generation. We expect that we will have an EQUAL partnership in child rearing. Well, it turns out that p This book will, in fact, fill you with ALL THE RAGE. Darcy Lockman’s nonfiction is the feminist text I didn’t know I needed. She breaks down the ways in which working mothers are drowning in the unshared task of parenting. It genuinely changed my perspective on planning for motherhood in the future. So many of us assume that our version of parenting will look different than that of our parents’ generation. We expect that we will have an EQUAL partnership in child rearing. Well, it turns out that privilege is a bitch and sexism is deeply ingrained in our brains and that shit is hard to shake. Men will happily change diapers and engage with children, but when it comes to the day to day planning, scheduling, and sacrificing, it is still falls on women to bear the brunt of the burden. What struck me most about this book is how bitter these women were towards their partners. That is NOT something I want for myself. If you are a woman who wants to have children with a man some day, All the Rage is mandatory reading. I would love to read a review from a millennial mother. Does your experience match this book? If my partner did half the shit the men in this book did, I think I would murder him. HIGHLY recommend!

  3. 5 out of 5

    Holly

    What a bracing read. The penultimate chapter, titled "Successful Male Resistance," discusses the ways men avoid stepping up to the plate in their marriages. Toward its conclusion, Lockman asks one Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist, father, contributing editor of a magazine about parenting, and author of a book called The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework, "what makes it easy for men to be so lazy." Lockman quotes Coleman at length for two substantial paragraph What a bracing read. The penultimate chapter, titled "Successful Male Resistance," discusses the ways men avoid stepping up to the plate in their marriages. Toward its conclusion, Lockman asks one Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist, father, contributing editor of a magazine about parenting, and author of a book called The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework, "what makes it easy for men to be so lazy." Lockman quotes Coleman at length for two substantial paragraphs, then offers this devastating analysis and paraphrase of Coleman's statement: I called Coleman because I knew he’d given co-parenting a book’s worth of thought, and I hoped that he’d be willing to speak freely. He was. Men’s resistance would be an abject failure if there were more men who spoke like he did (to be clear, he was not condoning his own behavior). Imagine if your children’s father said these things to you, directly and out loud: Women are easy to take advantage of, your efforts are ultimately unnecessary, the needs of our family are not worth my attention, and I’ll choose the more selfish thing. Fathers are implying every last bit of this with their resistance [to shared labor] all the time. You are easy to manipulate. These things aren’t worth my attention. I’ll choose the more selfish thing. (240) I read a lot about feminism and relationships, and when I picked this book up, I thought it would take me less than a week to finish it, because it's less than 300 pages with big print. Instead, it took me almost a month, because it was so painful, even more painful than a book about big-picture systemic misogyny. Reading anecdote after anecdote about men displaying such selfishness and such contempt and indifference for the well-being of their partners and children was just SUCH a downer, especially since I could call up so many examples from my own life of just what the book was talking about. That's not a reason to avoid the book--that's one more reason to read it. But you can expect to feel like crap along the way. I finished this book the same day I read a really shitty article (see: https://www.utne.com/arts/new-america... ) by a poet named Bob Hicok that asks, "Am I willing to pay a price for the equality I say I believe in?" Hicok wants you to believe by the end of the essay that the answer is yes, but it's clearly NO, or he wouldn't need to publish two versions of that shitty essay. (See also: https://www.questia.com/library/journ... ) And that's ultimately the question and answer I get from this Lockman's book: "Are men willing to pay a price for the equality they say they believe in?" No, they are not. It sucks that that's the reality. But I guess it's good to have it out in the open, instead of pretending otherwise.

  4. 5 out of 5

    BookOfCinz

    ….women who work outside of the home shoulder 65 percent of child care responsibilities and their male partners 35 per cent. Those percentages have held steady since the year 2000. In the last twenty years, that figure has not budged... It is the year 2019 and women are still shouldering 65% child care responsibilities. On one hand I am not shocked because women tend to do a lot on the other hand it is sad that this is what is currently happening. I read this book in shock and awe. A lot of the ….women who work outside of the home shoulder 65 percent of child care responsibilities and their male partners 35 per cent. Those percentages have held steady since the year 2000. In the last twenty years, that figure has not budged... It is the year 2019 and women are still shouldering 65% child care responsibilities. On one hand I am not shocked because women tend to do a lot on the other hand it is sad that this is what is currently happening. I read this book in shock and awe. A lot of the women who were interviewed holds a lot of resentment towards their spouse because of their "inability" to help out around the house or with child care. For some reason, reading this book enraged me. Most of the mothers said they got little help from the fathers even though they were doing a lot already. Something to note is that majority of these women held down full time jobs outside of the home. While some fathers held down the home and child care responsibilities, they were few and far between. According to the research, there is actually no known human society in when men are responsible for the bulk of all childrearing. Cross-cultural anthropologists report that every part of the world... mothers are more involved than fathers with the care of their young. It seems, it doesn't matter how well a partner you choose, women are left with the full time job of working outside the home and taking care of the home and the kids. In a 2018 report the United Nations estimated that women average 2.6 times the amount of housework and child care that men do... If you are going to have kids, take those figures into consideration. Darcy Lockman brought to light some new information, but for the most part she confirmed what we see in society on a daily basis. I really wish those figures weren't so. Thanks for the ARC Harperbooks.

  5. 5 out of 5

    Camryn

    I feel like this is very important for everyone to read, honestly. This is how stuff worked with my parents and obviously so many other parents. I don’t want it to be me. I think I noticed that men do way wya less and women do so much more and that’s one of the reasons why I wasn’t interested in marriage starting at like, thirteen. It seems so exhausting to be married to a straight cis man unless he’s like 1 out of fifty men in this book who make an active decision to make their marriage and par I feel like this is very important for everyone to read, honestly. This is how stuff worked with my parents and obviously so many other parents. I don’t want it to be me. I think I noticed that men do way wya less and women do so much more and that’s one of the reasons why I wasn’t interested in marriage starting at like, thirteen. It seems so exhausting to be married to a straight cis man unless he’s like 1 out of fifty men in this book who make an active decision to make their marriage and parenting a partnership. Anyway. This made me so mad. The exhaustion and overwhelming feelings so many of the women expressed made me want to tell them to leave their husbands because they’re basically raising kids alone anyway. And I wanted to kill most of the men, including the author’s husband. I took a star off because this did get boring at times and also because the author kept saying stuff like “pregnancy is women’s job” and “women are the only ones who give birth” that seemed really inconsiderate of trans and non-binary people.

  6. 5 out of 5

    Gwen

    if I could excerpt the whole book, I would A few weeks ago, I was chatting with some friends about existential career questions when the topic of children came up. All of us are childfree 30-somethings, and we threw around many, many thoughts on why have (or not) children. I wish I had read Lockman's book before the conversation since she articulated all of my thoughts--and then some!--so much better than I did. I couldn't highlight the whole book, but I wanted to remember these passages and thei if I could excerpt the whole book, I would A few weeks ago, I was chatting with some friends about existential career questions when the topic of children came up. All of us are childfree 30-somethings, and we threw around many, many thoughts on why have (or not) children. I wish I had read Lockman's book before the conversation since she articulated all of my thoughts--and then some!--so much better than I did. I couldn't highlight the whole book, but I wanted to remember these passages and their concepts: "In the language of family studies, women and men do not develop the same 'parental consciousness' when they transition into mother- and fatherhood; they continue on separate and unequal paths of knowing or not knowing as their children change and grow. Parental consciousness is the awareness of the needs of children accompanied by the steady process of thinking about those needs. Women have come to call it the mental load, and in those relatively egalitarian households where men share day care pickup and put away clean laundry, it's the aspect of childrearing most likely...to 'stimulate marital tension between mothers and fathers'" (139-140). "In my research, I found that equal co-parenting tended to happen under only three, often overlapping, conditions: when there was an explicitly steadfast commitment on the part of both partners to staying on top of parity; when men really enjoyed the type of regular and intimate contact that only mothers more typically have with their kids; and after fathers had taken substantial paternity leave" (218-219). To (re)read: Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works Shattered: Modern Motherhood and the Illusion of Equality h/t: Lockman's NYT op-ed and Jezebel interview

  7. 5 out of 5

    Brittani Lenz

    Accurate title is accurate.

  8. 5 out of 5

    Briana

    All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Parenting is one of a couple recent releases about the division of labor within the home and how women married to men are still doing the bulk of housework and childcare—regardless of whether both parents work, whether just the father works, whether just the mother works, etc. So far every book and article I’ve read on this topic has felt worth my time investment, enlightening me as to how sexism can still play out even when couples want to o All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Parenting is one of a couple recent releases about the division of labor within the home and how women married to men are still doing the bulk of housework and childcare—regardless of whether both parents work, whether just the father works, whether just the mother works, etc. So far every book and article I’ve read on this topic has felt worth my time investment, enlightening me as to how sexism can still play out even when couples want to or even believe their partnership is equal. Furthermore, though some of the research in All the Rage might be familiar to anyone who has read up on this topic, the book is not just a repeat of other books. It attempts to extend beyond the hope to look at sex and gender in society and potentially explain why women are doing more work at home—whether it’s because of socialization to be nice, stereotypes that women are better carers that women buy into, an attempt to gain power within the home, or something else. So I do recommend All the Rage if you’re interested in this topic but have already read similar books, although it’s not my favorite book on the topic nor where I might recommend one start. The author’s attempts to bring in wide-ranging research about related topics, not just how labor is divided in the home and what the consequences of that are for women’s health, their marriage, etc. are great for starting to get at the question of why labor division is so unequal, but they also make the book feel a bit disjointed. Even the subheadings are not particularly clear, and the organization of the book was not always obvious to me. I simply went along with the flow of the research and read the information as it was presented to me. Expect to make your own connections between that information and the question of unequal parenting partnerships, as the author does not always make them explicit herself. I also did not always love the tone of the book, which can get snarky or dismissive towards men at times. I get it. The author—and a lot of women—are ticked off, and I think the tone will actually resonate with a lot of women who are reading the book because they are mad. However, many men are already defensive about this. Tweet a study about how men don’t do equal housework and watch all the replies come rolling in about how the studies are wrong or how “Well, I do tons of work! I do more than my wife!” or “I mow the lawn once a week!” So this tone probably isn’t going to be a hit with any guy who does pick up the book, and I think that’s a flaw if the goal is to make people self-reflect. Mostly, however, I love that this book is thought-provoking, and not always in the ways readers might like. I’ve read varying reactions to the book on Goodreads (all from women) and they range from women identifying with the feeling of being burdened with nearly all the household work to women being disgusted that other women would “let” this happen to them. A lot of women feel they would “never put up with this,” but the book uncomfortably makes the reader think about why women do. It might be because, studies suggest, both women and men think men are doing half the work when they’re only doing about 35%. People think their relationships are equal when they’re not. Or it might be because women do feel some happiness at being told they’re a “good wife” or “good mother” when they run the household; they’ve been socialized to think that. Or it might be because, as the author puts a bit flippantly, are you really going to get a divorce because you’re husband—whom you love and who loves you and, you know, does some work sometimes—didn’t change a diaper? Of course it’s not about the diaper, but the point is that that there are kinds of social factors that help women, and men, rationalize women’s being burdened with all the work, and while it’s easy to look at this situation from the outside and say, “That will never happen to me,” the horrifying truth of the book is that it happens all the time, and uprooting life with a divorce is not an easy option for a lot of women. Related to this point, the idea that women “let” themselves be left with all the work, I like that the book acknowledges that too many times solutions to problems like this put the onus on women to fix sexism and injustice. If women would just do something differently, the theory is, if they would just be assertive enough or ask men to do the chores enough or just…do something magic thing, then men would do more housework and childcare. It shouldn’t work that way. Having to repeatedly ask someone to do work in their own home is labor of its own, and it’s not the solution most women are looking for, particularly when they might be called “nagging” as a result. However, the book does suggest that the couples with the most equal partnerships did have to constantly, actively work at it together—which is at least slightly different from only the woman working at it. You don’t have to be a parent or even married to find this book interesting and information that might be useful to you. If you want an equal partnership now or in the future or if you’re just interested in feminism or family relationships, I think you’ll get something out of All the Rage.

  9. 5 out of 5

    Rivka Uster

    There is so much to unpack and reflect upon in this book. It definitely allowed me to finally “put my finger on” what and why some of my frustrations exist. I have begun reflecting on my own behavior and how some of it might be implicitly giving my husband a pass in areas that are problematic. I listened to the audiobook book and the narrator was fantastic, though, I think I’ll go back to the physical book itself to take another look at the data.

  10. 4 out of 5

    Jenna

    It will make you angry. She does an excellent job providing detailed research on the current situation of inequality of domestic unpaid labor. If you are a mom under the age of 40, your head will probably get sore from all of the nodding in agreement. You will probably shout "Amen!" more than once. Only four stars because there are no practical steps to improve equality; mostly just a reminder of where we are and keep the conversation going.

  11. 4 out of 5

    Liz

    Before I started reading this book, I was gnashing my teeth in frustration at my husband's utter detachment from scheduling social activities for us as a family or a couple, despite regularly hanging out with his guy friends. Yet I also realized that we have a much more equitable partnership than many parents, and after reading the book, I can identify some concrete reasons why: 1) I am the breadwinner; 2) I travel internationally and he has no additional help while I'm gone; 3) We never fell in Before I started reading this book, I was gnashing my teeth in frustration at my husband's utter detachment from scheduling social activities for us as a family or a couple, despite regularly hanging out with his guy friends. Yet I also realized that we have a much more equitable partnership than many parents, and after reading the book, I can identify some concrete reasons why: 1) I am the breadwinner; 2) I travel internationally and he has no additional help while I'm gone; 3) We never fell into the pattern of "only mom can feed the baby;" and 4) He took 1 month of independent paternity leave with the first kid and even longer joint leave for the second. Thanks to this relatable, hugely on-point book, I realize just how much of a difference our choices have made. Yet here I am, somehow making excuses for why the not-quite-parity in our marriage is still better than average. True story from last week: I scheduled a kid's doctor's appointment and submitted his contact info, since he'd be taking her to the appointment. A week beforehand, he said "I got an email that they need us to do paperwork." A day beforehand, he said "I just got another email. The paperwork isn't done yet??" Funny how that happens...

  12. 4 out of 5

    Tiffany

    I rarely give 5 stars. I recomend this to every parent.

  13. 4 out of 5

    Melanie

    Before I started this book, I was worried that it would fill me with fury and the desire to seek a divorce. It didn't, but it really came off as preaching to the choir (dual-employed couples with child/ren), and I skimmed much of the second half because I just could not take it anymore. There were a lot of citations, including books I've read before, but it was tedious and repetitive. Author has a bunch of anonymized case studies/interview participants but they're spread out all over the book, so Before I started this book, I was worried that it would fill me with fury and the desire to seek a divorce. It didn't, but it really came off as preaching to the choir (dual-employed couples with child/ren), and I skimmed much of the second half because I just could not take it anymore. There were a lot of citations, including books I've read before, but it was tedious and repetitive. Author has a bunch of anonymized case studies/interview participants but they're spread out all over the book, so like, you'll read about "Miranda from Portland" or "Desiree from Kansas" three or four different times for a paragraph or two, then she'll disappear for a chapter or more, and because there are at least 20 of these disenchanted moms, they all run together while being entirely unmemorable. The whole of the book was like this, with the author popping in and out in first person, occasionally mentioning the ever enlightening George (her husband) and I just got frustrated with it. If you're trying to get men or women or other people to take you seriously to effect social change, don't bore them to death with data or rant until you've beaten your point into a bloody pulp. My husband works full-time, I do not, and he takes on a considerable share of childrearing, not least because I have trained him, and don't emasculate or hen-peck if he doesn't match the top and bottom of the baby's outfit. He does zero housework, but we have very different standards with regards to housework, and we have children who need training in how to do chores properly. I hire a yard guy to cut the grass, and it's well worth the investment in that it frees up our time and keeps us from a chore that neither of us likes or is good at. I recently read a book about global population dropping, and I wonder how much is directly tied into issues raised in this book (that working wives do *everything* when it comes to childrearing) so they're too burnt out to have more than 1 or 2 kids at most, and resent the ones they have.

  14. 4 out of 5

    Scout Maria

    I would recommend this book to anyone, not just current and prospective parents -- as evidenced by the fact that I, a twenty-four-year-old with no immediate plans of starting a family, got a lot out of it. Be prepared to be distressed and depressed by the facts that Darcy Lockman lays out so methodically. She writes plainly and compellingly, using the results of sociological and psychological studies, countless interviews with parents, and her own personal experiences to make her points. I'd be ve I would recommend this book to anyone, not just current and prospective parents -- as evidenced by the fact that I, a twenty-four-year-old with no immediate plans of starting a family, got a lot out of it. Be prepared to be distressed and depressed by the facts that Darcy Lockman lays out so methodically. She writes plainly and compellingly, using the results of sociological and psychological studies, countless interviews with parents, and her own personal experiences to make her points. I'd be very interested to know how many fathers end up reading this book, and what they think of it.

  15. 5 out of 5

    Amanda

    My husband was one of the equal partners interviewed in this book. Even as part of a couple that pushed unusually successfully against many of the deeply rooted structural problems described in Darcy’s book, I was surprised and enlightened to see some experiences I had interpreted as more individual struggles around housework, career and childcare contextualized and framed as part of the bigger problem of gender inequality.

  16. 5 out of 5

    Jelly Washington

    Everyone woman needs to read this. At times this book really had me in my feelings and I really did feel the rage.....That's when you know the book is good and speaks some truth.

  17. 5 out of 5

    Devan

    This book is about the social expectations, male priviledge and blatant sexism that costs mothers in terms of their time, sanity and opportunities outside of the home. And the irony is not lost on me that I had to return this book late to the library because I couldn't find the time outside of work and family obligations to just sit down and read it.

  18. 5 out of 5

    Poonam

    Loved it!! Will write a longer review soon

  19. 5 out of 5

    Akiko Yamamuro

    The chapter Successful Male Resistance is a gem. All men should be required to read this book (instead, none will.)

  20. 4 out of 5

    Sarah Beth

    I received an uncorrected proof of this book from HarperCollins. This work of non-fiction explores the gender inequity that working mothers largely still face. Author Darcy Lockman begins by contemplating this frustrating reality in her own marriage and moving outward to include case studies from other partnerships as well as a whole host of data that explores the topic of domestic duties and how they are divided between mothers and fathers. Overwhelmingly, despite also working full-time jobs, w I received an uncorrected proof of this book from HarperCollins. This work of non-fiction explores the gender inequity that working mothers largely still face. Author Darcy Lockman begins by contemplating this frustrating reality in her own marriage and moving outward to include case studies from other partnerships as well as a whole host of data that explores the topic of domestic duties and how they are divided between mothers and fathers. Overwhelmingly, despite also working full-time jobs, working mothers bear the lion's share of the work of managing the home and taking care of chores and children. Lockman outlines a familiar story of mothers as the managers of the home: fathers who only help with children or tasks if explicitly asked, fathers who enjoy far more leisure time than their spouses, mothers who carry the mental load of remembering the children's weekly schedule, coming up with ideas for and then executing meals, and every other detail that is required to keep the family's life running smoothly. The author illustrates that this is largely a cultural phenomenon, a holdover from when women largely did not work outside of the home. While men have increased the amount of time that they devote to childcare and housework, the divide is still very much present, due a whole host of factors that Lockman methodically details over the course of this book. Although I recognized very clearly the dilemma described in the book and appreciated the author's thorough analysis, at times the book dragged and felt endlessly repetitive. The endless examples from frustrated women both illustrated the severity of the problem addressed by this book but also felt like I was reading the same woman's complaint on a loop. I could only imagine the reaction of one of the men accused of shirking their household duty would have if they read this; likely that the book is nagging and whiny just like the women who endlessly complain that they need more help. In other words, I think this book will only really resonate with the individuals who are in the current position of pulling the unequal share of work and those who aren't pulling their share still wouldn't seriously consider even reading the book, let alone making a change to how they approach work at home. 3.5 stars

  21. 4 out of 5

    Jeanne

    As a Millennial mother of three currently going through a bitter divorce, this book hit all the notes for me. So many of the things I struggled with in my marriage are illustrated here as issues other women are facing in their own relationships. I found a validation for my feelings, a better understanding of why my ex did the things he did (or didn't do), and felt better in the knowledge that I wasn't alone. Also depressed and, yes, rage at the current state of gender inequality in households ac As a Millennial mother of three currently going through a bitter divorce, this book hit all the notes for me. So many of the things I struggled with in my marriage are illustrated here as issues other women are facing in their own relationships. I found a validation for my feelings, a better understanding of why my ex did the things he did (or didn't do), and felt better in the knowledge that I wasn't alone. Also depressed and, yes, rage at the current state of gender inequality in households across the world. The book does tend to drag on towards the end with more of the same, but this didn't bother me as all I wanted was some solidarity and confirmation that I wasn't crazy for wanting more out of a domestic partner. In my particular case, I did find the following to be true: "Australian study shows that men's time doing housework declines as more children are born." This did happen in my particular relationship and it was especially difficult for me as I was working full time and he was the stay at home parent. The more children we had, the more I was doing at home to make up for him doing less. "Across the life cycle, only the transition from married to widowed, divorced, or separated significantly increases a man's time in unpaid domestic labor." I do less unpaid domestic labor now that I am separated and living on my own than I did living with my ex.

  22. 5 out of 5

    Jess

    I believe this book will soon be regarded as essential feminist literature. As many have said, the title is very apt. Be prepared to get angry as you read it! I’ve been aware of the studies showing inequality in parenting for several years and it’s one of the reasons I’ve decided that motherhood isn’t for me. I knew that couples with an egalitarian split of household labor before having kids revert to stereotypical gender roles and an uneven division of labor as soon as the first kid is born, bu I believe this book will soon be regarded as essential feminist literature. As many have said, the title is very apt. Be prepared to get angry as you read it! I’ve been aware of the studies showing inequality in parenting for several years and it’s one of the reasons I’ve decided that motherhood isn’t for me. I knew that couples with an egalitarian split of household labor before having kids revert to stereotypical gender roles and an uneven division of labor as soon as the first kid is born, but Lockman brought in a ton of other studies that I wasn’t aware of. It’s really sad that male participation in childcare activities hasn’t increased since the early 2000s. I’m not sure what the answer is, but more flexibility for working parents and paid parental leave would be a good place to start.

  23. 4 out of 5

    Mothwing

    Scary stuff. I am so happy that I am raising my child with a woman because I have no time for the bullshit dynamic typical for heterosexual parenting. Like, in what world do you live if you don't have the feeling that you are responsible for your children 24/7? That's what being a parent means. Not to most heterosexual couples, apparently: - Parity of childcare tasks is most likely when the mother works full time and the dad is unemployed and at home. PARITY. - Couples believe that household cho Scary stuff. I am so happy that I am raising my child with a woman because I have no time for the bullshit dynamic typical for heterosexual parenting. Like, in what world do you live if you don't have the feeling that you are responsible for your children 24/7? That's what being a parent means. Not to most heterosexual couples, apparently: - Parity of childcare tasks is most likely when the mother works full time and the dad is unemployed and at home. PARITY. - Couples believe that household chores are shared equally (that is to say, both couples are of this opinion) when women do 65% of household chores and men 35%. - Even in couples where household chores were distributed equally before having a child, after having a child mothers gain 16h of household work per week on top of their usual chores and men 1h. ONE HOUR. - the default is still that women give up their own needs due to a combination of expectations of themselves, the social construct of motherhood as an eternal giver, and the fact that they are usually brought up to place other people's needs above their own. - "gender legacy couple"s were equals previous to having a child, but childcare defaults to the woman- every aspect. It's all the "He's happy to do it if I ask" couples. Like that shit would fly in any other area of life! These are the couples with Mums who do all the planning and scheduling and emotional and other invisible labour to facilitate their partner's participation in their own parenting. This makes me so livid. How can you just give up fatherhood like that? Why do so many men simply choose to do so? Parenthood is a gift, and one that so many people would give up so much to have. Of course it is seductive to simply let the person who has the chore of nursing be default responsible, but it is so worth it to fight that default and be a parent. In my lesbian relationship, my partner breastfeeds and while I did work full-time in the first nine months of my daughter's life, I still did everything I could to be a primary caregiver as well. Of course it would have been easy to leave all the work to her and make the baby her responsibility, but that does not change the fact that she is my responsibility, too, because I AM A PARENT. We're not immune to the maelstrom, I do far less night time parenting than my wife does and this is not 100% down to the fact that my wife nurses, there's also a lot of "but you work" mixed in. Still, compared to heterosexual couples, we're doing practically the same kind of work. And those I'd love to sit down and tell them that the things that they take for granted, like "inherent roles" or some nonsense, are conventions and not set in stone. There IS NO MOTHER'S INSTINCT. Or at least not the way people seem to think. There is no magical whatever that is exclusive to only The Mother(TM), not even in the first months. Of course the relationships can be different, just like, you know, relationships between people always differ. It's all learned behaviour, it's all interaction, it's all a human connection like other connections only more so because you're responsible for an entire new human being. As such, the person or people that your infant finds themselves most dependent on is/are going to be their primary caregiver. Period. That can be people of any gender or relationship to the child. Of course THAT is miraculous, of course THAT is magical, and just because you can explain it doesn't mean it's not still a miracle. But it does mean that it is worth fighting for.

  24. 5 out of 5

    Abigail

    This book is so important, and I'll get to that, but can I first just flail a little about the awesome play on words of the title?? I hope whoever thought of it got a bonus. Equality is en vogue (all the rage) and also induces in the vast majority of working mothers, to use Internet parlance, ALL THE RAGE. Equal partnership is both possible and desirable; the myth of the title is that it's already happening. Statistically, it's not—even when both partners in a working couple want it to. This book This book is so important, and I'll get to that, but can I first just flail a little about the awesome play on words of the title?? I hope whoever thought of it got a bonus. Equality is en vogue (all the rage) and also induces in the vast majority of working mothers, to use Internet parlance, ALL THE RAGE. Equal partnership is both possible and desirable; the myth of the title is that it's already happening. Statistically, it's not—even when both partners in a working couple want it to. This book is highly readable, but I warn you that if you're a working mother, it will induce rage: if not because you recognize yourself, then on behalf of those worse off. It starts by showing us just how bad things are for most of us, how it came to be, and why we aren't rising up in revolt out of our rage. Then it asks, what are we hoping to achieve and why? Learning how we got stuck at not quite equal really helped me understand why it's so hard to achieve. If you're wondering what I was, the answer is (view spoiler)[sustained determination and persistent effort on behalf of BOTH parents. Patriarchy has done such a thorough job of inveigling itself into our minds that we don't even notice it. (I capture some great quotes here: https://twitter.com/AbigailFair/statu...) But there's good news! As the sexes move toward equity, in the home and in the world, fathers and mothers—all men and women—report greater happiness. But equity won't happen unless we fight for it both publicly and privately (hide spoiler)] .

  25. 4 out of 5

    Cristine Mermaid

    Yet another book on the inequality of the at home labor division of between men and women. However, I am thrilled that book after book keeps coming out on this subject because it's extremely important and highly affects the quality of life for mothers. This one was easy to read and filled with the right amount of anecdotes and research to make it informative and relatable. While overall, the author's words resonated with me, there were a few parts that surprised me. She said at one point "it's no Yet another book on the inequality of the at home labor division of between men and women. However, I am thrilled that book after book keeps coming out on this subject because it's extremely important and highly affects the quality of life for mothers. This one was easy to read and filled with the right amount of anecdotes and research to make it informative and relatable. While overall, the author's words resonated with me, there were a few parts that surprised me. She said at one point "it's not like you are going to divorce your husband because he didn't change Jr's diaper". Wow, how dismissive of the problem her entire book is based on. Why would she minimize this issue. It's not about his not proactively changing a diaper , it's about day after day after days of so many of these chores and errands and decisions that she is doing way too much of by herself. That isn't a partnership. It's domestic servitude and I won't do it. I was also surprised by this idea that so many women are just resigned to it. I can't relate to that. You come home from work and start doing household chores/dinner while he's sitting on the couch watching TV? How can anyone stand that? How is that fair? Why do they think their husband is worth more than them? That he is entitled to down time but she isn't? The book also said that women sometimes just wanted to be domineered sometimes by men and umm ...no never ever have I felt that way and I don't think I am a unicorn. Then again, the book also said that women feel guilty when they don't do these things (nope!) and that they grow up understanding it's part of their job as a wife and mother to be the one to sacrifice all (nope!) I don't think things will change until women simply demand more from their partners. I really don't care that men are doing 'more' than they used to because so are we. I won't excuse it. I won't put up with it. Overall, good analysis of the problem.

  26. 4 out of 5

    Sarah Carr

    WOW! This was one of the toughest and at times most upsetting books I have read this year and yet I have to recommend it to parents and potential parents as a way to stimulate discussion about parenting and the division thereof. Lockman has written a well-researched and well-cited book about the lag between beliefs of equality between partners and childcare and the realization of those beliefs. This book is not, she writes, for folks who believe the woman's place is in the home, but for people w WOW! This was one of the toughest and at times most upsetting books I have read this year and yet I have to recommend it to parents and potential parents as a way to stimulate discussion about parenting and the division thereof. Lockman has written a well-researched and well-cited book about the lag between beliefs of equality between partners and childcare and the realization of those beliefs. This book is not, she writes, for folks who believe the woman's place is in the home, but for people who believe in equality, for involved fathers, for dual-income families -- basically all of the "woke" folks. The key fact in this book that blew my mind is this -- even in partnerships where, before children, a husband and wife divide labor as evenly as it has ever been divided, after the birth of the first child women take on a vast majority of all parenting labors. Study after study shows this. Lockman digs into reasons for this -- is it biology? socialization? what women and men really want? the careers we choose? The answer is multifaceted (but spoiler -- biology is NOT the answer) and complex. The key takeaway from this book was to talk early and often with your partner about this *before* you have children, but then to keep this an ongoing conversation throughout parenthood to avoid things like choosing a default parent (eg; the mother). If this review gets you a little mad, that's good! It means that you are the right audience for this book, just like me.

  27. 4 out of 5

    Lilly Amenson

    This book completely changed and educated my perspective on relationships. While I had already had my doubts of the ability of parents to equally divide up childcare (as seen by observing my parents' troubled relationship for 22 years), I never had evidence to back up my suspicions. This book gave me that evidence. I learned a lot about why we are the way we are, and it helped me realize when I could be unknowingly participating in benign sexism. Going into the job force, I now know to volunteer This book completely changed and educated my perspective on relationships. While I had already had my doubts of the ability of parents to equally divide up childcare (as seen by observing my parents' troubled relationship for 22 years), I never had evidence to back up my suspicions. This book gave me that evidence. I learned a lot about why we are the way we are, and it helped me realize when I could be unknowingly participating in benign sexism. Going into the job force, I now know to volunteer sometimes, but not all of the time, for tasks that are of communal nature, but might not get me promoted. It also made me think deeply at how I perceive stay-at-home fathers and working mothers, and how both parents should participate heavily early on in the arrival of their child. It is important to give dads a chance to learn what to do with a child, as opposed to waiting to be told what to do by the mother. My one critique of the work was that it felt very slow to read, despite my interest in the matter. Overall, I enjoyed this read and hope to read more by Lockman, as well as many of the books mentioned in this work. Although now I'm convinced I will never be married nor have children, All the Rage helped me prepare for what I will face if I change my mind.

  28. 4 out of 5

    Alex Templeton

    I'm not trying to throw shade on my husband here, but I have to say that this book did an incredible, no-you're-not-crazy job explaining to me both how I could be married to a super-feminist man but feel like I'm doing most of the home work/emotional labor in our home. It also explained how even super-feminist men like him can allow that to happen in their households. Brief answer: patriarchal systems and expectations still run so deep that when men do something we say hallelujah! things have ch I'm not trying to throw shade on my husband here, but I have to say that this book did an incredible, no-you're-not-crazy job explaining to me both how I could be married to a super-feminist man but feel like I'm doing most of the home work/emotional labor in our home. It also explained how even super-feminist men like him can allow that to happen in their households. Brief answer: patriarchal systems and expectations still run so deep that when men do something we say hallelujah! things have changed! Thanks, enlightened men! However, even though we have progressed from a society where, say, the breakdown of home work/emotional labor is 90 percent female/10 percent male, we are now living in a society where the breakdown is overall and at best 65/35. Therefore, we still have a ways to go to attain true equal partnership in our families, especially in families like mine where both parents work full-time outside the home. It's on my husband's to-read list, because thankfully one way we HAVE progressed as a society is that there are men out there like him who want to make it better but don't always know how. Recommended for moms and dads who want to make a more egalitarian world for their kids outside of and inside of their homes!

  29. 4 out of 5

    Larkin Tackett

    More than any other book I can remember reading during the last couple years, this one changed my behavior immediately. The author makes a compelling case that despite our commitments and the science of gender, dad's are not pulling our weight when it comes to parenting responsibilities. Starting with her own husband, Darcy Lockman indicts most dads in heterosexual relationships of actively resisting equal partnerships with their wives in the home. Lockman cites a University of Oregon sociologis More than any other book I can remember reading during the last couple years, this one changed my behavior immediately. The author makes a compelling case that despite our commitments and the science of gender, dad's are not pulling our weight when it comes to parenting responsibilities. Starting with her own husband, Darcy Lockman indicts most dads in heterosexual relationships of actively resisting equal partnerships with their wives in the home. Lockman cites a University of Oregon sociologist who, “believes it is the very idea that mothers are instinctively the most capable caregivers that underscores the pervasive inequality in the division of child care.” And some estimate is will take 75 years for men to assume half the unpaid work that domesticity requires. Fortunately, the book includes helpful recommendations like extending childbirth classes to parent education to help couple achieve their desired level of parity. Whether those classes eventually happen, I'm committed to stepping up my game and helping redefine what it means to be a man and take more responsibility at home.

  30. 5 out of 5

    Marya

    I totally give Lockman props for engendering the emotional response she used to entitle her book. Yep. I felt All the Rage. There's been other books and articles written on this topic. Some of those are more research-oriented and discuss how the problem arises in the first place. Some are more solutions-oriented and discuss possible changes to alleviate the problem. Lockman's book is more of an overview, written in the tone of a women's magazine article. It's not going to win any argument points I totally give Lockman props for engendering the emotional response she used to entitle her book. Yep. I felt All the Rage. There's been other books and articles written on this topic. Some of those are more research-oriented and discuss how the problem arises in the first place. Some are more solutions-oriented and discuss possible changes to alleviate the problem. Lockman's book is more of an overview, written in the tone of a women's magazine article. It's not going to win any argument points (especially from men), but it is very cathartic for women who identify with Lockman's subjects. And for me, it made me unable to laugh at Dad jokes. What, it's supposed to be funny that Dad is incompetent? That Dad is unreliable? That Dad is somehow not a fully functional adult that can take a toddler to use a store restroom, chaperone a school field trip, or babysit a sick kid? Or, are those things so not valued in the first place that Dad feels no shame in it?

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